Dear Men,
Two days after Colleen was murdered, a friend was going to be in town. We had dinner scheduled. When he heard what had happened, he reached out and gave me an out.
I didn’t take it.
“Hell no. I need connection now more than ever.”
Dinner was exactly what I needed. A judgment-free space with a friend.
As we stood in the parking lot afterward, saying our goodbyes in the way men do, he pulled me in for a hug and said: “Keep it together, my man.”
Instantly I replied: “Nope. I’m going to go home and lose my shit.”
He didn’t say anything at first. Just stepped back, looked at me, and put his hand on my shoulder.
Then: “Don’t confuse the two. Sometimes in order to keep it together, you need to lose your shit.”
I’ve carried those words for ten years.
What my friend gave me in that parking lot wasn’t advice. It wasn’t a solution. It wasn’t even a plan.
It was permission. And space to use it.
That is rarer than you’d think. Especially for men.
We are living through an emotional recession right now. And it is disproportionately impacting men.
75 to 80 percent of all suicides are men. In Canada, 8 men die by suicide every single day.
The story we keep telling ourselves is that men don’t want to talk.
That’s the wrong diagnosis.
Picture a man you know. The one who says he’s fine. Who shows up, handles it, carries the weight without complaint. You probably admire him for it.
Now ask yourself: when was the last time anyone asked him how he was actually doing and waited for the real answer?
Men don’t lack the desire to be heard. They have almost nowhere they believe anyone is actually listening.
From the time we were boys, we were handed a script. Be strong. Handle it. Don’t need things. The men who handed it to us weren’t trying to hurt us. They were passing forward the only language they’d been given.
But that script is costing us everything.
Real strength isn’t the suppression of pain. It’s what my friend offered in that parking lot. Presence. Permission. The willingness to stay while something hard is being said.
You are in the right place. This community exists precisely for this. A room where men learn to give each other that kind of space. Deliberately. Regularly. Without the performance.
If you’ve been carrying something alone, this is your parking lot moment. We’re here.
Deliberately. Regularly. Without the performance.
Mike
Sources
Suicide statistics: Canadian Mental Health Association / Statistics Canada. Men account for 75–80% of all suicides in most Western countries.
Help-seeking gap: Courtenay, W.H. (2000). “Constructions of Masculinity and Their Influence on Men’s Well-Being.” Social Science & Medicine, 50(10).
Male suicide in Canada: Bilsker, D. & White, J. (2011). “The Silent Epidemic of Male Suicide.” BC Medical Journal, 53(10).
